- grapefruit diet
- total body cleanse
- the 'obey' rule to get flat abs
- cosmetic surgeon websites
- online calorie counterd
- online support groups
- Bo Burnham
All these things are good and they serve a purpose... but for the most part do not make people smile. In fact, has anyone else noticed were normally stressed when we log on to google? I think this is because we are searching for something and are frustrated since we have NO CLUE what it is. I mean, if we did then we would not be on the internet looking for it. Because, looking for it means that we dont have it, ergo---
literally, my eyes just crossed..
Anyhoo... once in a blue moon my travels lead me to something that peels back the lips like a ripe 'naner and exposes the 32 pearly chicklets the world needs more of. Today was such a day when i stumbed upon this. You see, being overweight did teach me one thing. You are a lot happier, albiet... not always healthier. I never knew why, but there were some days where i could not keep the smile from my face and others where making the peeps around me ROFL was commonplace. I couldnt run a mile to save my life though, which is apparently all that matters in high school.
What am I saying... what am I saying... hold on, let me 'google' it. OH YEAH. Society is warped, based A LOT around the outside. Dont get me wrong... i can be as shallow as the next guy, but if there is a cricket in my jolly rancher wrapper.. i dont care how pretty the wrapper is cause I am not going to eat a friggin cricket. Unless its Jiminey, in which case i will throw the Kaibash down on that sephlopod. But yes, the outside shouldn't matter... but, sadly, it does in modern society. The solution is, what i shall call: THE PERFECT LIFESTYLE! Just follow these easy steps and you will have the best life there is.
- Know that you are not your own- we belong to God and He is in control. It may be scary to think we are 'powerless' but i trust Him a lot more than myself.
- Get out on occasion- show the world your awesomeness! I have never been to the louve so i have yet to see the Mona Lisa. Even if one is in france they have to wait in line and be bored... then theyre in a bad mood and don't appreciate it as much. But, if the lady was in a public square of some kind then there would be a much greater ease to see her... which is why DaVinci did it in the first place.
- Be a Hero - exercise is a good thing, but not if you dont enjoy it! I like to be superman so i like to strength train... but i dont run because it sucks worse than a recently un-clogged toilet. Therefore, find whats fun and train to do it. Also, take advice from 'Whip It" and be your OWN hero. i.e.=find a role madel and aspire from there.
- Pretend its your grandma - Were you about to NOT hold the door for that lady? Were you about to cut that guy off on the interstate? What if that was Nonna?
- Be Confident - there is one scene in the Neverending Story where Atreyu is walking through the gate to get to the Southern Oracle (dont ask me why he's walking... I KNOW THE FLYING DRAGON IT RIGHT THERE!) and the trip is pretty problem free... until he starts to doubt himself. Then he almost gets zapped by freaky eye lasers from a sphinx with an awesome rack! The lesson... when you are confident that you are the best you can be... nobody can touch you. Not even with eye lasers.
Well, there you have it, the prefect plan. follow it until you die and let me know what happens. Wow... that was morbid and unecessary, in return i will close with some humor...
People Who Are Overweight: Ben Franklin, Pope Benedict XVII, John Candy, Reuben Studdard, John Adams, Gerald Ford, Henry Ford, Hurley: from Lost and Stanley: from The Office. Oprah, Horatio Sanz, Drew Carey (just donated 50 grand to Feeding South Florida) Ben AND Jerry, Aretha Franklin and Aaron Neville, Christopher Columbus, Socrates, King Arthur and everyboy's father.
People Who are 'Slender': Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Carrot Top, Lucifer, Osama Bin Laden, Lex Luthor, Napoleon, Kim Jong Il, Benito Mussolini, Count Dracula, Lex Luthor, Attila the Hun, Ted Bundy, Mary: Queen of the Scots and Ryan Seacreast.
Well my Peeps, there you have it. I hope, at the very least, a smile was cracked and the world was made a little lighter. Please remember to spread the word about Feeding South Florida as well! Until next time, this is Panclayke reminding you that TOP CHEF RESTAURANT WARS IS TONIGHT!